I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Pooping to opera.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
