I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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