this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
