I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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