She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
