You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
