were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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