and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
