im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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