Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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