My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
