Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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