Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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