yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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