can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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