you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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