I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She even gives head with a lisp.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
