Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
