there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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