I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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