1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sponge bath it is.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
