He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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