Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
