What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
