i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
