Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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