I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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