I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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