she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You ruined the universe
Randomize
