your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
