I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
