So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
