i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
