So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
