it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
