My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
