So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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