I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
