i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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