I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
