We're facebook friends in real life
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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