overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
