High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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