She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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