come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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