Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
