but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
