soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
