when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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