Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
